Quashing the Menace of Dowry




In a recent TVC of Orient, while highlighting the menace of dowry, they also tell us how we can help change it by just taking small positive steps that although need a lot of courage and sense of responsibility like the groom saying to his father in law "Mere ghar ka samaan aap kyun Khareedain" (Why should you purchase the articles of my domesticities?)

The ad soon took a toll on the mainstream social media websites like twitter and Instagram and the youth started tweeting against the false trend of dowry sharing their personal experiences and views under the hashtag #RishtonMainInnovation for how we can bring change in our actions and mindsets and how this trend is damaging matrimonial relations. The relations based on the gluttony and monetary benefits can never grow, flourish and last for long. We need to lay a conceivable foundation for maintaining and strengthening the relations defeating the concept of "DOWRY".

It turned out to be an immense pleasure to see the youth participating so vigorously and anxiously for the promotion of such a noble cause and to know that at least someone in this country; the upcoming generation have their facts straight and are actually practising religion in it's true spirit without twisting the facts and manipulating Islam for personal gains like most of the people do these days.


People in large numbers applauded the same argument and condemned the prevalent concepts of dowry opposed to Islamic precepts and concepts and further made it a point that the concept of dowry is rather the adaptation of the Indian culture. Living in the subcontinent we adopted so many things from each other's religions and made them a part of our customs and traditions and now we are dwelling so deep into this that we have forgotten that there's a line between culture and religion and dowry is a taboo and not approbated by Islam.

When given the factual argument that Islam sets no example of dowry. When the dowry mongers are left with no other argument all they have to say is "baaki jaghon pe tau islam yaad nahi aata" Why don't you follow religion in other things?

People just won't let you support the idea of brandishing and uprooting this menace. you will have to hear all sorts of nasty comments and face personal attacks but one does not stop promoting such a noble cause but in fact, we have to make them understand what "DOWRY" actually is and the harm it's bringing to our relations and our society.

While having been combating against the menace of dowry all my life, I too had to undergo (constituting my own experience) through the turmoil of having been approached for the demand of dowry:

Having received a wedding proposal from an "educated and affluent" family, which my family seriously started considering followed by which the proposal was accepted. When the stage came to set-up a date for engagement, the demand from the boy's family further came up for the performance of Nikkah coupled with formal engagement ceremony.

My mother was taken aback to hear such a demand because it was too soon for Nikkah, so instead she humbly requested to the family in the larger interest of future matrimonial prosperity of the parties to the intended marriage, that "Some more time should be allowed to the boy so he can get settled in his life and have a house of his own, where he can keep our daughter in order that he may be in a position to "independently" support her and lead a happy matrimonial life. Once he is settled we will happily set-up a date for Nikkah."

This very mild and positive suggestion which is a natural phenomenon and demand of every girl's parent was not only seriously repelled but was conversely taken to the point of demanding dowry. The to-be mother in law was infuriated and instead told my family point blank, "You being the parents of the girl are not in the position to put demands. How could you even think of saying such a thing when we, the groom's family, are the one's to put forward such demands as a part of society's taboo. Why does my son need to get settled and be on his feet, when your daughter is supposed to bring a house and a whole setup in her dowry!"

When my mother returned home in astonishment and narrated the whole incident it reminded me of a scene from a recently watched Indian movie "2 States (2014)", it gave boost to my ego and self respect so the next day I went up to my not-to-be-mother-in-law (The principal of a renowned private institution) and told her politely that she can keep her son because I am unable to pay his price, since I am the kind of woman who thinks dowry is a curse.
Walking out of her big lavish house that day, while she must have been pitying me for losing her gem of a son and thinking no one's going to marry this pretty face with such an attitude, I felt very proud of myself.

Living in a male-dominated society we tend to forget the fact that Islam has more rights reserved for women. Many people today confuse culture and religion and are under the impression that joint families are part of Islam, to them it is almost unthinkable for a man not to live with his parents after marriage, and it is expected then of a woman to live with her in-laws.

As a matter of fact when Hazrat Fatimah R.A was getting married, Prophet (PBUH) demanded from Hazrat Ali a separate house for her daughter. And after marriage,  they moved into a separate house. They did not live with the Prophet (PBUH) despite being the closest and most beloved to him, and neither did they live with the Hazrat Ali's mother, who was a widow.

Dowry is in no way related to the bride price but rather the 'groom price' dare I say. Groom price why? Because since it's become a demand and they think it's their right, you also need to understand that "Aap larki nahi wo apko apna larka de rahay hain" ( You're not giving your girl, in fact, they're selling you their son).

Gentlemen, wanna know how much you're worth? 'Dowry'__ yes, this is your price. So all you ladies who bring jahaiz to your susrals (in-laws) can now announce the ownership of your husband since you paid the price.

During one of my Urdu lessons in high school,  i remember coming across a statement extracted from a pre-partition story. Wherein the character of 'Phupho' who by being a confident and educated working woman is already breaking the stereotypes and set norms of a conservative society,  further acting in rebellion announces the decision of marrying of her own choice and that too without any dowry. When questioned she says, 'MAIN APNA JAHAIZ KHUD HOON" (I am my own dowry).

This one statement had such an impact on me at the age when I had little or almost no sense of what dowry is and how marriages work, that I decided I will never take dowry and act decisive. As i grew up and looked around and saw my sisters and cousins getting married and taking whatever their parents could happily arrange for them in the name of dowry, i made peace with the fact the dowry is not a bad thing if given within the reasonable means and a balanced or manageable dowry.
But just recently i started questioning myself as to what's the definition of 'balanced and manageable' dowry? Then i came across a short narrative penned down by a dear friend Syed Atif Ali (tweets @syedatifali )

جہیز ایک لعنت ہے۔ بھیا کی شادی میں جہیز کے نام پر ایک تنکا تک نہیں آیا۔
بھابھی بہت حسین ہیں؟
تھیں تو۔ بیچاری چولہا پھٹنے سے جل کر مرگئیں۔


This made me realise that the definition of dowry varies in the segments and classes of the society, for someone hailing from upper or middle class the definition of balanced dowry is rather a great suffering for a poor man. We the affluent and respectable of the society give dowry and to justify the concept term it as 'bridle gifts' including gold ornaments, furniture and fixers, some even exceed the limit and even engage in sending off their daughters with truck loads of complete home setup. But no matter how much we justify the concept of 'dowry' and call it just gift giving, we cannot and the term and taboo will remain unchanged.

We seem to forget that we're in fact setting up a trend and when the girl leaves her home she is then expected to bring along saray ghar ka samaan as if rishta nahi lottery lag gai ho! Because of the trends we had setup, the girls are being set on fire. A poor man spends all his life collecting jahaiz for his daughters and if he fails to do so, either she is rejected and is singled out for her whole life or either the taunting and mocking of the society and the family she goes into leads to repercussions aimed at sacking her life. Therefore, equating the two different classes in terms of affordability portrays a very frustrating and bleak picture, where one may be in a position to afford dowry in millions and conversely the other may not be able to even serve the guests of the marriage.

So why not for once try breaking the set trend. Try saying no to dowry? Since every dowry demand is a death threat - let's quash the practice of giving dowry. Let's set healthier trends let's bring #RishtonMainInnovation

Publishe in Express Tribune

Comments

  1. You Nailed It....

    One should be a Man not a beggar to ask for a Dowry.. :p

    ReplyDelete
  2. The piece is written without any understanding of social and cultural context

    ReplyDelete

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