Breaking through the shackles of a dark night

Even the bravest and happiest have their darkest nights. Nights where you in the name of retrospection, burden your soul with overthinking. The long night in which you hold yourself accountable for the mistakes you didn't make. "What went wrong?", you ask yourself. "Why of all the people it's always you who goes through these trials? Why no one else gets treated in the manner that you do? But darling what's the point of doing all that you do, when it leaves you in so much pain?"

In those weak moments, you start doubting yourself, start losing hope in humanity, wallowing in self-pity, you think of leading a mediocre life from here onwards, think of choosing a way that's less painful, think of going back to the shell as it might turn out to be the safe haven. You think of disappearing. Often get suicidal even - and suicidal doesn't necessarily mean holding blades to your wrists, pointing a gun to your head, gulping down a bottle of pills or hanging yourself on a rope, sometimes it's just losing all motivation and hope and not putting an effort to live anymore. This whole thought process is Tormenting. Excruciatingly painful. Suffocating. Self-destructive and the last thing anyone deserves to experience.

This night has come to visit me after so long, I remember the last time and all the nights before that. I remember how I've cried myself to sleep each time, the stream of tears running down my cheeks, eyes swollen and my face unrecognisable in the mirror. The long conversations I would make with the reflection of a stranger, holding the sink to find balance instead of washing my face and returning to bed. Holding scissors in hand, you start cutting your long beautiful hair like always, for some odd reason you think it'll unburden your heavy soul. You think you'll feel better by punishing yourself. As stupid as it sounds its the biggest relief at that moment.

It's not mere vitriolic words of bullies, thrown around systematically, unintentionally, unapologetically and their violent actions but the indifference of friends who choose to stand and watch the show in silence; that becomes the root cause of so much pain.

We often don't realise the power "words" possess and instead of using them for a cause we invest all our energies in destroying the people who are fighting for one. "Words", I once read on a wall, "are tsunamis but people splash them around as if they're fucking puddles."

Chain of thought continues and you find yourself asking the same cliché questions again, "What kind of a world do we live in? How many wars is one expected to fight at once, to deal with the injustices of society & achieve peace without compromising? As if it was not enough to fight real monsters every day that you now have to deal with the ones without names and faces online too? Cyber Bullying is something we don't much talk about b/c the kind of personal attacks carried out, it's hard for anyone to further put them to display because people TALK. They speculate and judge and then they become gods and decide your fate for you.

Why are we growing so inhumane? Where are them morals or values at? How can people be so ignorant, insensitive and blind? Don't they even for a second think and realise the impact their words and actions can have?

All these thoughts racing through your mind, answers to which you'll probably never find. So, what do you do? Come to terms with this fractured reality? Accept the things as they are? and then do what? Become what you're not meant to be and run away?

No! You bid farewell to this night, once and for all. :}

You fix your tiara, you rise and remind yourself that you don't need people to survive. You remind yourself, that He chooses the best soldiers for the hardest battles. You remind yourself of the authentic sayings, "Reputation is what men and women think of us, and character is what God and Angels know of us." You remind yourself, that people throw rocks only at the fruitful trees, they see a lot of harvest in you__ and then you shun the ugly voices, shrug off the negative thoughts and promise to start your day with a stronger self. You wear your armour and return to your battleground to fight the unfinished battles, with new vigour and high spirits. You show the world who you are! :}

CAUTION: sharing personal views and experiences online is not always easy. In fact, it takes a lot of effort and courage to write/create something and then leave it in the hands of the world. It doesn't mean I for one, am giving you the right to shame, ridicule or judge me. If you can't respect my choice or have anything nice to say, it's better to not say anything at all than spewing venom and rebuking others, especially over something you've no experience of. You always have the right to walk away, but you never have the right to lambaste and break anyone to the point where they not only lose their voice on a medium they feel more safe and secure to voice their opinions but the heart to ever share anything with anyone again outta the fear of being judged. So, for heaven's sake go easy on others.

The sole purpose of sharing something so personal here is only meant for people who are fighting a similar battle and feel just as lost as you once did. As they say, one person's lament can be someone else's elegy. I write so others might find some help or comfort in my broken words. I write for you all to know that it's but natural and you're not alone in this. Know that where there's bad, there's also good in this world. Like Tolkien says, "The world is indeed full of perils and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair." :}